did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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