You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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