I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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