Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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