Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
