i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
