I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
