i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
