eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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