My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
