I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
