also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
