I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
