Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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