I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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