but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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