Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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