you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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