I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
