He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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