So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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