i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
