1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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