sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
