Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize