I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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