I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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