it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
