My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
