Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
