god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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