Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
