Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
