Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
