I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
