I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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