i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Randomize
