Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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