New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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