I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
