seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
