Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
