he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize