my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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