Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
