Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
