hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
