fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
