i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
