In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i think im in europe. pls send help
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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