Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He passed out mid-signature
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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