He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
