Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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