Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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