i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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