I CAN MOONWALK!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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