Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
