Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
