My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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