I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
